Listen, Learn, and Love - 3 Keys to Harmony

Dr. Joan's Advice

Date: 06/14/2013

By: Dr. Joan

Subject: Fruitless Arguments Kill Love

Dear Love-Killer:

First of all, you are going to have to pick a different name. Love-Killer is too scary, although I agree that your description of the killer arguments between you and your partner are murderous, indeed. But yes, you will kill all love if you continue bickering. So, secondly, instead of killing love, kill the arguing.

Look, this habit between the two of you has to stop now if you wish to continue the relationship and enjoy any reasonable degree of health within it. The stress levels for each of you must be astronomical. Love cannot breathe such clogged air. Love will die.

Here’s what I urgently suggest: Immediately sit down with your partner and explain what I just said. Then pick one thing on which you and your partner can agree. It doesn’t matter what the point of agreement may be. Just write it down, set it out on the table, look at it, memorize it, study it together, and then let it grow. Believe me, a point of agreement is like a plant. If you water it, give it light, give it love, talk nicely about it, and honor it, it will indeed grow between you as a positive concept that links you together. And as time goes by, your points of agreement will multiply.

For example, a simple point of agreement might be that you both love babies. I say that because you revealed that you have a young baby whom you both adore. Get a paper and write down: "We both love babies, especially our baby." When you start to argue about who will change the baby, who will get up in the night for feedings, how to prepare the bottles, how much fresh air the baby should have, etc., STOP and look at your paper which by now should be plastered on your kitchen cabinet door or on your bathroom mirror. "We both love babies, especially our baby." Instead of arguing about the mechanics of caring for your child, focus on your mutual love for the sweet new life that has joined your family. You both love the baby, and you both want the best for your child.

Finally, get an authoritative book on babies and read about the topics which seem to cause disputes between you. Reading about an issue is like inviting a third person into the mix. Then find a compromise way to move forward and care for your baby. Remember that what lies at the HEART of the matter is that you both love the child.

Just as a point of agreement is like a plant which thrives when it is cared for and acknowledged, so also is love the same. Love is like a living tree which thrives with tender care. You are the caretakers of your love tree.

Promise me you will try my suggestions. Please let me know if you experience fewer disagreements or perhaps none at all. Keep love alive, nourish it, for the sake of your marriage and for the happiness of your beautiful baby.

Dr. Joan’s Harmony Key: Love thrives like a healthy tree when it is tended.

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